Shame does not teach a tween or teen to do better, to improve their behavior, or to be a better person; rather, it crushes the person’s spirit, and may even cause them to withdraw. Brene Brown writes that “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

Instead of resorting to shame when your tween or teen does something wrong or makes a poor choice, take a breath, take a step back, and ask God to help you remember that just as you are learning to parent better, and just as you make mistakes in life, so will they. Your tween or teen is at an age where they might be often frustrated, angry, or even hostile and push against everything you do or say. They might make poor choices, or even outright bad choices. It is an age of exploring, experimenting, and learning—and ultimately crossing over from teenager to young adult.

Shaming a teen for age-appropriate behavior will likely shut them down and crush their spirit, and could potentially interrupt this crucial stage of development. Though they might do things that you would classify as dumb, illogical, or impulsive, it’s part of their growth.

Above all, guard against shaming your tween or teen for something awkward they have done. You want to encourage them to find themselves and blossom into their own person, as God created them to be. And that is different than you.

The greatest thing you can do for your tween or teen is continually ask yourself what will help them flourish and grow into their potential, and preserve their dignity.

Parents aren’t perfect (I know you know that!) and grace in abundance is needed when parenting your teen—but also for yourself when you make mistakes.

Do You parent using shame?  In this month's Online Parenting Course and short video, you will be asked to consider whether you grew up in a “Toxic Shame” environment and to consider how you react when you are hurt. I want to encourage you that though shame-based parenting is often learned, and may be the way you were parented, it can be unlearned as well.

Shame, is that terrible feeling of not fitting in, or being horribly wrong. It can happen among your teen’s friend groups, and it can happen in their place of employment. Unfortunately, though, the place it often happens the most is within the home.

Brené Brown wrote a book titled Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. In that book Brown states, “When it comes to our feelings of love, belonging, and worthiness, we are most shaped by our families of origin—what we hear, what we’re told, and perhaps most importantly, how we observe our parents engaging in the world.”

Though the way we might be shaming our tween or teen might be subtle, don’t for a minute doubt they don’t feel shame when it hits them. You are the key person in your tween or teen’s life that is supposed to be a safe place for them—a place where there is no shame, but acceptance. Even teenagers will interpret doing something bad, like a bad choice they’ve been punished for making, to “You are bad.”
Be careful about the verbal and silent messages you are sending your teen. Paul wrote, “Everyone who believes in [Jesus] will not be put to shame” (Romans 10:11). If we, as parents, are not “put to shame” in Christ, our teenagers shouldn’t be “put to shame” by us. We have daily opportunities to reflect Christ to them.
Please check out this Month's online parenting class:
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224800399/ba844fd3d6

How you approach parenting will be different from how your parents did, and how other parents do. This month’s Online Parenting video encourages you to consider the difference between parenting teens as their friend, compared to parenting in a way that reflects a godly relationship!

God the Father is the perfect model of a parent. So if God is the perfect model of a parent, what does the Bible says about what is most important to God regarding parenting:

Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Deuteronomy 6:6–7 – “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”
Ephesians 6:4 – “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Proverbs 13:24 – “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Notice what Scripture says. Parents are to “train up” their children, teach God’s Word diligently to their children all the time, bring them up “in the instruction of the Lord,” and love them enough to discipline them. Is this not the heart of God?
God says He disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12:6), and that those whom He chastens are “blessed” (Psalm 94:12). In Deuteronomy, Moses wrote that “God [disciplines] you just as a man disciplines a son.” Why does God discipline His people? It is out of love for us, so that we might be made holy. It works for our good, so that we reflect God. In the same way, we must parent our kids out of love for them, that they might grow to become more Christ-like.
This is the ultimate reason for disciplining a teen—that they might turn back to a right relationship with God and reflect Him. Yes, it’s harder the older they get. However, parenting in this way really doesn’t leave room for a “friendship” relationship with a parent and their pre-teen or teen. No, this kind of parenting reflects the godly relationship between God and His children.
This is not an easy relationship, but the goal is to raise adults who follow the Lord and His instruction.
I know this is a hard subject, and it’s often difficult, time consuming, and exhausting to discipline, instruct, and teach teenagers. I am praying for you and here for support. We are on this crazy parenting journey together!

Please check out this week’s online parenting class:
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/200410973/9c84ff0f6b

Partnering in parenting with you,
Matt

This month we talk about the importance of teaching pre-teens and teens what responsibility is—making sure not to just do things for your children, but stopping to teach them how to do those things for themselves.
Here are a few handy tips to guide your pre-teen or teen toward becoming more responsible.
1. Set expectations. There is no time to waste with this one! Make sure expectations are reasonable, and not impossible; setting expectations too high will end up exasperating both you and your teen.

2. Make a chore list. It’s never too late to start up a chore list! Discuss it as a family, and place the list somewhere conspicuous. However, be warned; no teen likes chores and following through won’t be easy. When your teen fails to complete assigned chores, establish consequences—like taking away their cell phone for a day. Your commitment to this will reap a harvest of good.

3. Bring your teen into adult household decisions. After eating out at a restaurant, have your teen work out the tip (discussing it with you, of course). When your family is going to purchase something big—like a car or an appliance—bring them into the process and ask for his or her opinion. Planning a vacation? Let your teen do some research!

4. Reward your teen for responsible behavior. This isn’t bribery but letting your teen know when they live up to their end of the deal you are aware and proud. Appreciative words, a pat on the back, or even a couple of movie tickets for your teen and a friend will speak volumes and reinforce future responsible behavior.

Above all, let your teen know you trust them. When they try hard to make responsible decisions, respond by trusting those decisions. This one is hard—but it’s where your teen will grow the most. When your teen knows you trust them, they will be more apt to be responsible in the future.
I hope this Online Parenting Class has been helpful—albeit challenging! I’m honored to walk this journey with you, and I am praying for you as you work toward teaching your teen responsibility. Stand firm and trust God! He will never leave you nor forsake you . . . or your teen.

Please check out this month's online parenting class:
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/200408255/c21e8185ae

​With your family in mind,
Matt

The pre-teen and teenage years are filled with high levels of emotion, and when combined with the pressure of school, can lead to overwhelming feelings of stress and anxiety. But there are certain tools you and your student can begin to implement that will help equip your teen to deal with stress in college and later in life.

One important necessity in dealing with stress is talking about it—though that’s easier said than done. But by keeping the lines of communication open, your teen will be much more likely to open up to you when he or she is feeling overwhelmed. If your pre-teen or teen is not much of a talker, try to set aside one day each week to spend with your teen. Take them out to breakfast before school, or frozen yogurt after school, or go for a walk. It doesn’t have to be much. During this time avoid speech designed to improve him or her, but instead really listen to what he or she has to share.  Let your teen know you value their perspective and opinion, and make sure to affirm them through positive speech. Though your teen still may not talk a whole lot, that’s okay. If you can make this a consistent “date” with your teen, creating a safe harbor for them they know they can run to when stressed, they will open up over time.

Don’t ignore signs that your child may be struggling and experiencing unhealthy stress levels. Irritability, anger, extreme worry, sleeping issues or odd eating patterns are indicators of stress in teens. Pay attention to your teen’s behavior, and if you are concerned, consider enlisting help.
Ultimately, the best remedy for stress is trusting God. When your teen is exhibiting signs of stress, lovingly share with them that even people who believe in God will experience stress. King David was afraid at times, stating “terror is on every side” in Psalm 31:13. He was overwhelmed with sorrow and grief. Paul wrote that the remedy for affliction, worry, and stress was to trust God who promises never to leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6), and to deliver us from our enemies (2 Corinthians 1:10).

Please check out this week’s quick online video about this topic:

online parenting class:
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/200412566/45c42e3e7d

Our Online Parenting video this month talks about how more times than not what you may be labeling as an angry teen may actually be rage—a loss of control manifesting itself in yelling and sometimes physical outbursts.
Think of the many external forces pressing in on teens today. Teens often feel trapped between childhood and adulthood and the expectations that go with that awkward transition. They are accountable to teachers, coaches, employers and their parents who add stress to their life that they are often not able to manage well. Not mature enough to deal with those pressures, teens often express their emotions in outbursts of rage. They will tend to hold it together (hopefully) around other adults but let loose when they are around you—a wonderful perk to parenting!
When verbally attacked, a person’s natural response is to retaliate. The one attacked yells back or fumes inwardly. When your teen loses control, and you are the recipient of their outburst, how do you respond? Do you “retaliate,” and yell back? Have you reflected on the possibility that your teen probably has caught this vibe and learned that, in your home, this is the way communication happens? Anger is contagious; if you tend to respond in rage, your teen likely will, too.
Anger never demands respect but rather shows a person is out of control. Have you been modeling anger to your teen? Yelling increasingly louder to diffuse a tense situation is the least effective way to respond.
Consider taking a personal inventory of how you respond to your teen when he or she has reached the boiling point. Have you treated your teen disrespectfully or unfairly? Has your teen possibly felt constrained or even overlooked? Have you made commitments only to break them? Do you multi-task when your teen is talking? These are hard questions, but your responses may be indicative to why your teen responds the way they do, reflected in how they communicate with you.
Your goal in parenting is to love your child well, and parent in a way that fosters a godly relationship with your teen. If you have perhaps contributed to a culture of communication in your home that results in raised voices or even rage, consider asking God for guidance and strength to change. Tell your teen, when things are calm, that verbally assaulting each other will not be the acceptable way to communicate anymore. If anger has been the typical way you interact with your teen, keep in mind your son or daughter probably won’t respond the first time you try to respond calmly. Change won’t occur overnight, but it won’t happen at all unless you commit to trying!
I hope this Online Parenting Class has been helpful—albeit challenging! I’m honored to walk through these issues with you, and I want you to know I’m always available as a resource.
Please check out this week’s online parenting class:
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/175380708/c400d210fd
Standing firm with you,
Youth Pastor

Were you able to watch the Online Parenting Class video on Goal Setting With Your Teenager? If not, go here for this short video: https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/149147742/19d2d18580

Let's continue our discussion on how to mentor your teen in their journey toward adulthood by helping them set and achieve goals. Below are some tips for helping your teenager maximize the benefit of smart goal setting throughout their lives.

First, set aside a time once a year to sit down with your teenager and talk about what they are hoping and dreaming for their life in the upcoming year. In preparation for your time together, teach them to pray and ask God to place on their hearts the passions and desires He would have for their lives. During your time together, ask your teenager to share some dreams of what they would like to accomplish in one year’s time. Share with them the old saying, “A goal is just a dream with a deadline!” After your teenager rolls their eyes, you can have them write down three to five goals for the upcoming year.

Second, go over the list of goals with your teenager and make sure they are reasonable. It’s okay for them to be challenging, but if your teenager sets goals that are impossible they may be setting themselves up for disappointment. If your seventh grade basketball player sets a goal to be in the NBA by the end of the year, you might need to help them.

Setting and accomplishing goals will help them become their own best sources for fulfillment. As you begin goal setting with your teenager this week, remember you are giving your child a gift: the ability to thrive in life without us.

Press on in your endeavors to help your teen learn to set goals!

A huge part of raising a teenager is teaching them life skills. One of your jobs as their parent is to do the best you can to prepare them for that time.

Even though your teen may leave his or her dishes on the coffee table every day, scatter his backpack, socks and shoes all over the house, or forget to do the one simple chore you’ve asked him five times to do, not too many years from now, your teenager is going to have a collision with adulthood! Will they be ready?

There are many life skills your teenager needs to know: how to change a spare tire, how to make a grilled cheese sandwich, how to wash clothes, or how to make a bed…the list is endless.

However, one of the greatest skills you can teach your teenager is how to set and reach goals.

When you teach your teenager how to set and reach goals, what you’re really giving them is the ability to live their life intentionally. Goals will help keep your teen focused on what’s important, and allow them to make the best use of their 24 hours each day. When tackled correctly, they will force your teen out of their comfort zone and help them to grow more than they would without them. And, perhaps most importantly, they will give your teen control of their destiny.

Check out this quick video for more:
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/149147742/19d2d18580

Cyberbullying is on the rise, and it’s important to be aware of this possibility with your own teen.
What should you do if your own child is the target of cyberbullying? Today I’d like to offer just a few suggestions to get you started with a healthy response.

First of all, don’t respond. That sounds weird doesn’t it? Shouldn’t you or your teen fight back? The fact is that the “win” for an online troll is to engage you in a war of words. To type anything in response online gives them an instant victory. There are other ways to respond offline, but it’s best to just ignore an online response.

Next, save the messages. This will come in handy when you are seeking help. Take screenshots or keep a folder of all the messages that are being sent. The temptation is to just delete it so it goes away. But many cyber bullies are persistent and you might have to seek outside help to get it to stop. If you save the messages it will be much easier to help others understand what your teenager is going through.

Another great tip is to teach your teenager to protect their passwords. One type of cyberbullying is through hacking. The bully hacks an account and then proceeds to post embarrassing content towards another person. Help your teenager understand this and teach them to change their passwords regularly to protect their accounts.

Finally, don’t place the blame on your teenager. If your teen is being cyber bullied, they are a victim. Don’t use this time to tell them everything they did wrong to put themselves in this position. This is a time to comfort them and advocate for them. You can teach them how to prevent this from happening again at a later time when things have calmed down.

If your teen is being cyberbullied, you might have to seek outside help to stop it. But there is something deeper going on that as a parent you must be aware of: your teenager is experiencing what it’s like to be hated. Use the experience for good; help your teen understand that broken and hurting people sometimes respond to their pain by causing pain for others. Although this makes absolutely no sense, it’s a fact of life. This probably won’t be the last time they experience something like this in their life. These experiences are also great opportunities to teach your teen about forgiveness.

Jesus knew that when evil is returned for evil, more evil is created. That’s why Jesus said in Matthew 5:39, “But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

At some point the evil behavior has to stop, and that’s when a person becomes truly powerful. Choosing to forgive instead of taking revenge reflects the character of God.

Parents, thank you for loving your teen and I just want to encourage you to keep pressing on!  These are difficult days for teens and their families, but our God is our ROCK!  Lean on Him and know that this is only temporary!  He has an incredible plan for your teen, and for you!!  Please let me know if there is anything I can do to pray for your family!

 

Cyberbullying is on the rise, and it’s important to be aware of this possibility with your own teen.
What should you do if your own child is the target of cyberbullying? Today Id like to offer just a few suggestions to get you started with a healthy response.

First of all, don’t respond. That sounds weird doesn’t it? Shouldn’t you or your teen fight back? The fact is that the “win” for an online troll is to engage you in a war of words. To type anything in response online gives them an instant victory. There are other ways to respond offline, but it’s best to just ignore an online response.

Next, save the messages. This will come in handy when you are seeking help. Take screenshots or keep a folder of all the messages that are being sent. The temptation is to just delete it so it goes away. But many cyber bullies are persistent and you might have to seek outside help to get it to stop. If you save the messages it will be much easier to help others understand what your teenager is going through.

Another great tip is to teach your teenager to protect their passwords. One type of cyberbullying is through hacking. The bully hacks an account and then proceeds to post embarrassing content towards another person. Help your teenager understand this and teach them to change their passwords regularly to protect their accounts.

Finally, don’t place the blame on your teenager. If your teen is being cyber bullied, they are a victim. Don’t use this time to tell them everything they did wrong to put themselves in this position. This is a time to comfort them and advocate for them. You can teach them how to prevent this from happening again at a later time when things have calmed down.

If your teen is being cyberbullied, you might have to seek outside help to stop it. But there is something deeper going on that as a parent you must be aware of: your teenager is experiencing what it’s like to be hated. Use the experience for good; help your teen understand that broken and hurting people sometimes respond to their pain by causing pain for others. Although this makes absolutely no sense, it’s a fact of life. This probably won’t be the last time they experience something like this in their life. These experiences are also great opportunities to teach your teen about forgiveness.

Jesus knew that when evil is returned for evil, more evil is created. That’s why Jesus said in Matthew 5:39, “But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

At some point the evil behavior has to stop, and that’s when a person becomes truly powerful. Choosing to forgive instead of taking revenge reflects the character of God.

Parents, my advice to you is to keep pressing on!  Thank you for loving your teen!  Please let me know how I can join you in praying for your teen!

Privileged to serve you and your teen,
Matt